I sit down on my couch and turn on my TV. I lift up my bowl of granola and yogurt, while sipping down my freshly made smoothie of ice, fruit and juice. I can't help but think to myself, this is nice. I am comfortable. I don't have anywhere to be; I have nowhere to go.

I prop up my computer; check my email, and for some reason mosey on over to the world race blogs. To be honest for 3 months I have all but avoided them, not because I don't care, but simply because I can't read them. There is something embedded deep within me that knows that I am missing out on great adventures, great lives being changed, and seeing the miracles of God. And it is just easier to avoid them.

I click out and focus instead on who went home on American Idol, no big surprise there I think to myself. I turn windows media player on and shuffle through my songs. Some annoy me, some are all right and then there are the ones that seem to be a soundtrack to my life. You know the ones that take you back to a memory, a time when something sticks out.

There is the one I remember listening to over and over again, as I sat on a concrete floor in Mexico. I am sleeping next to all my teammates in one big open room. The smells, the feelings all flood my mind. I remember the hard ships the good times. I remember the laughter and the joy of the little kids that would steal my stuff and never leave me alone. Not to mention the morning runs to our porcelain toilet, in an outhouse that had to be bucket flushed. I think of the times I preached and I will never forget the teary walk home after our last night together….

I click back over to the world race site and watch a video of a group climbing a volcano. Instantly I remember myself climbing that same volcano, I can see different parts just like it was yesterday. Another flash another instant, all gone, all just memories. I feel a slight twinge in my heart. Did I really live there? Did I really do that? Was I really a part of something so radical, so different?

Am I missing that or yearning to go back? The question continually feels my mind, but I feel so content now, I feel for the first time in my life that I am in a place where I am suppose to be. I am fulfilling a bigger dream, a vision you could say. But I think sometimes the problem comes because a vision and a dream are not happening right now.

All my years of travel, of seeing the world always left me unfulfilled. But somehow in the middle of those unfulfilling days of travel, searching, trying to find the answers I finally did.

I am not sure when it happened or how it really did, all I know is that I finally know where I am heading. You see the difference is easy. Not once in 6 years of missions and travel did I ever feel content or that this is it. I wrote a blog halfway through that was titled "Being a missionary doesn't make you closer to God it just makes you farther from home." It was kind of funny except for the fact of how true it was.

There were so many times when I would be serving God and feel so far from Him. The problem that was occurring was I had made the search my ending point, each location was all I had; that was my vision. I would have vision prior to everywhere we went, but once I arrived it all ended. I lost what I was working towards, what I was fighting against. I lost my joy.

Perhaps in a way it was spiritual, perhaps my contentment now comes from my lack of involvement in ministry, my lack of helping others. I get up go to work come home and I am happy. I have joy, peace all the things that supposedly mean we are where we are suppose to be. I mean isn't that what we are always taught. We pray that God would give us peace and then that is how we would magically know which direction we are suppose to be going in, but what about all the rough times was that not where we were suppose to be.

So now I am confused, is it contentment and peace where we are suppose to be, or is no peace, no joy and trying anything in the world to get out of a situation the way to go. Now lets really dig into this because I think we may be getting somewhere.

This question really sticks out because in both situations I felt like I was doing what God wanted me to do.

I will be the case study.

Here is my story. I was a missionary in every sense of the term. I did mission work and went to a lot of different countries, 20 something to be approximate. Over the course of 6 years on and off I was involved in many different kinds of missions. I learned about missions, did evangelism, preached the gospel, handed out tracks, handed out food, built churches, built houses, unloaded cargo off of ships, helped with medical clinics, took thousands of pounds of food, clothing and relief supplies to needy countries, fasted, prayed, healed people, saved people, helped people with daily needs, helped orphans, started an orphanage, preached in prisons, clothed the naked, fed the hungry even gave water to little children all in Jesus name. I look back and did not find much joy in any of it. In fact it was hot, miserable and I am sure my attitude was not that of Jesus a majority of the time. And most of the time I was not content, there. Most of the time I actually dreaded each day. I really did not find that much joy in helping these people. Does that mean I was out of God's will. I don't know. ( There were times I was happy, content, joyous, and satisfied, but I would say it was a rarity.)

I remember someone once saying if you want to do God's will then do the will of God, ok that is easy. I did all of that. But my prayer life was horrible. I treated those around me poorly. I had a terrible attitude. And I found myself wanting to be done with it.

Flash-forward, here I am back in America. I live in a nice house, drive a nice car, my prayer life is great. I treat those around me fantastic. I love going to work and selling menial things such as cars, and now credit card machines. I find satisfaction in that. I go shopping for myself and in a way I am consumed with the comforts of American life. I am going back to school and can't wait to get my degree in business so I can in turn find new ways in order to help people. Why does all this stuff, that doesn't at all seem like Gods will, somehow will in turn bring satisfaction and contentment? I thought that only came when we were doing what we were suppose to be doing.

Oh the mystery gets deeper doesn't it? Does that mean that for 6 years of doing everything that is biblical, and serving God in all those ways? Was I wrong, out of God's will? Did I miss the boat so to speak? Was I really destined to do menial sales jobs and live a nice American lifestyle? I mean all right if that is the case.

But then I start to think. What if life really is a spiritual battle? What if the will of God does not really bring about peace, satisfaction, contentment and joy? Now I am in no means saying that some people do not get all those. This is just my story, one case in a million. So I think to myself what if the whole time I was on the field I was destined for more and the forces of evil came against me. Was I prepared for that? Nope. I thought that once we left and went out to serve we didn't have to fight the battles anymore. Wrong. I am just starting to see that maybe being on the field I was in a constant battle, thus the reason, I could not pray, thus the reason I could not get along with my team, thus the reason I did not want to help people or do anything for that matter.

Maybe that is why doing menial jobs brings such joy, I am not in any battle. I have ceased to be a threat and I have joined into the stagnancy of life. I mean I don't think any demon is going to try and stop me from selling a credit card machine. In fact I am kind of helping to feed the monster. YIKES!!!

But then again there have been the times since being back that I have cried out to God what do you want me to do and He continually tells me to keep doing what I am doing.

I guess at the end of the day, the will of God is not dependant upon my feelings. Maybe the peace we all want the contentment we all strive for is simply when we stop fighting for something more. It is easy to find contentment when we are not stirring the pot.  I am sure I will keep heading in the direction God has me on. I know it is for a reason and I really can't wait to see what is ahead.

That is the part of the journey I love the unknown, the unexpected. I love living by faith and just trusting that whatever I am doing is what God has for me. I am not too concerned with my feelings.

I went to a small group tonight and we talked about learning to live in our spirit and not in our soul or flesh. I need to learn to walk in that. To often my flesh doesn't want to fight it doesn't want to do anything but be comfortable.

So to those of you on the field, suffering from persecution, anger, hatred, jealousy, uncontentment, no joy, and no peace. That really has nothing to do with what you are to be doing or not, it does mean you are in a battle and better get some prayer warriors praying for you. And to those of you back in America. Joy, contentment, peace, and happiness do not necessarily mean you are exactly where you need to be.

The only thing that matters is that you listen to the voice of God, walk out your faith with fear and trembling, if you are happy and content, rejoice, and pray to see if you are missing something. If you are being persecuted, rejoice and pray to see if you are missing something. Don't get caught up that somehow our fleshly emotions and feelings should somehow be the indicators of which way to go.

Perhaps I am caught somewhere between the two, but one thing I do know is its about time I start doing a little something that causes the other side to perk up, because this easy life is not really what we were called to now is it.

Hey all I have been home now for nearly a month.  We finished up in China and had a wonderful time there of working with different students and making friends.  It was a wonderful experience of culture and learning more about the chinese church and what is going on there. 

Since being home I have been through an array of emotions. I have been extremely down and depressed, wondering whats next.  Dealing with the loss of so many friendships and the low of no more anticipation of what's next. 

I found a job delivering some furniture out west and so I headed off for a roadtrip across the country, hopefully to find myself and what would come next for me.  I left from South Dakota loaded up with an old train bell and headed off first to Iowa where I would pick up a vanity.  I picked up my friend Hannah on the way in Colorado and headed out to San Diego where we were delivering a vanity. 

On the way we saw the wonder of the Grand Canyon and the beautiful landscape of Arizona and the desert of California.  While in San diego we got to hang out with Morgan and my friend Susannah who also graciously let us stay with her on Coronado Island.  We delivered the vanity and got to meet a great guy who also loves to travel and is a fireman for Palm Springs. 

We drove up to Los Angeles and got to see some old friends from a past ministry I was involved in called Friendships.  They have recieved a yacht that they are in the process of renovating for the ministry.  We dropped off the Train Bell and headed back home.  On the way back we saw some of the most amazing landscape I have ever seen in Zion National park in Utah, and the Colorado National Monument.  It is amazing how much beauty lies all around us.  There is something that speaks to my soul when I am in nature and can see God's creativity lived out so beautifully.

On the way back home I listened to numerous sermons and they seemed to really speak to me.  That coupled along with all the alone processing time I got while driving nearly 100 hours in a couple weeks. And the wonderful conversations with Hannah that stretched across the miles.   I started to shape out goals for my future and what I want out of life. 

One quote that stuck out was an age old question that we have all asked for years.  "What does God want me to do with my life?"

The Quote I loved from Erwin Mcmanus was "Live your life so that even if you fail you still succeed."

In other words we need to stop running around waiting for God to tell us exactly what to do or where to go or what direction to take. Instead we need to focus in on the will of God.  What does God call us to do.  He calls us to help the poor, love the orphans, bring lost people to him. 

If all of us would in some way shape or form live our lives in these ways we never have to wonder whether or not we are in God's will.  Becuase our lives will consistently be in tune with what God has for us. And even if you somehow fail in serving the poor you still succeed because you are serving the poor, so in all actuality it is a win, win.

So as for me my future is still a little undetermined.  I will more than likely go back to school to get my business degree.  I have a dream and a vision to couple business with missions and finding new ways to radically change the way we view missions.  I will just take one day at a time, trying to love those around me and be the Will of God to the people I see everyday.  Finding new ways to serve the poor, love the orphans and bring lost people to God.  Hopefully I'll see you all along the way:)

The time has come to once again move on from another country.  Cambodia was a pretty stable month for me nothing to great and nothing to hard to work through.   Our ministry for the most part was working with the university students doing bible studies every night of the week.  On the weekends we got the chance to head out into rural cambodia to visit different projects and churches out there.  It was a great chance to bond with the guys we had been working with all month and to see where they were from.  I also got the chance to head to the slums one day and see and minister to some different people there.

The last few days of the month, Ryan and I headed up to a province in the west near thailand to search out some ministry contacts for the june and september racers.  We ended up going to a couple orphanages way out in the middle of nowhere.   We got the old oh its about an hour and 2 and a half hours later we arrived at the first destination.  It was great to see theses churches and orphanages getting involved in their communities and all of them had substantial growth in the house church movement.  It was also a time to see how much I love setting things up for teams.  Going forth and seeing things first and being able to meet and talk to all sorts of people. 

At the end we headed to debrief in Siem Reap the home of hundreds of ancient temples, the most famous being Angkor Wat, in the running for one of the wonders of the world.  It was fascinating to get the chance to go and see such amazing structures.  It is so crazy the time and skill it took to build such massive and intricate buildings. 

We are getting ready to head to China tommorrow. We have no idea what we will be doing yet as some of it can not be broadcasted across the internet.  I will let you know as much as I can when I can.  Please pray for us as we head off into this closed country.  I am really looking forward to this amazing opportunity to be a blessing to the people there. And to learn from them.

We have been in Vietnam for a day now.  We came here from cambodia on a visa renewal trip.  We were so close to Vietnam we thought we would come check it out.  Today we went for a boat cruise on the Mekong river.  We saw the river and the way a lot of the people live and make money. 

On the way back from the trip I ended up sitting by a local vietmanese guy.  He was 23 and a tour guide.  He had led a tour with one of the other groups, but he was riding home with us.  He had moved away from his family at the beach which he went on to tell me was perhaps the most beautiful place in the world.  As far as i know he is right, maybe i will be left to find out one day.  Maybe I won't that is kind of the mystery of life, the unknown the wondering, will I ever get to see this beach that i have pictured in my mind.  The picture that is so vague but yet present.

We talked of the war and who was right, maybe who was on whose side.  I went to the war museum yesterday, I am still haunted by the images that were displayed.  Images of peoples faces being burned off,

a baby deformed stuck in a jar out on display the effects of chemical warfare

bodies hanging limp in soldiers arms,

People being tortured

I Walked to the back of the museum to the place where they showed the torture cells and the prison as well as a guiottine.

Just standing in the same room as that thing sent shivers down my spine.  I left the museum in a way ashamed of being an American.  I was ashamed to say I in a small way was part of all of that.  A man immediatly outside the gate asked where I was from.  I told him America.  I stopped the thought in my mind.  Do I really want people here to know where I come from? I asked myself truly questioning it in my mind.

My new friend on the bus assured me they love Americans, Well at least the non communist south.  Our tour guide also happened to fight alongside the Americans in the war.  He thanked us continunly for coming to their aid.  For coming to stand beside them when they needed it the most.  In a way I felt better knowing that.  I liked knowing that we had come to help. Whether right or wrong I am not here to decide.  I don't know what call I would make, I am not a big fighter.  I do not like to see death or destruction.  I do not want to be a part of anything that does. 

I came home and watched a movie that happened to be on tv called Lords of War.  It was about an arms dealer that sold weapons, guns and ammo to all of the different conflict zones around the world.  To africa to the middle east it didn't matter what the guns were being used for, what mattered was he was making money.  To everyone else it didn't make sense.  How can you give guns to people you know are going to kill millions of innocent people, he simply replied.  It is not my fight. 

He then said, "I have heard a quote Evil Prevails where good men fail to stand.  But i say Evil Prevails." 

In a world but more closely in a country filled with destruction and lust abounding all around.  It is hard to say good prevails and that in the end good will win.  I get so lost in it all, I get lost in trying to figure out what the heck is going on.  I can sum it all up I am sure with some pretty little cliche found so nicely nestled on so many christians tongues, the little sayings like God is in control, or God will make it all work out for Good.  I am sorry, but you try telling that to a guy missing half his body parts and pulling himself across a street.  You tell that to a guy whose face is melted off.  Or a small kid who has seen his whole family raped and savagely killed in front of his eyes and then forced at gunpoint to go and kill innocent people day after day, before he knows it he is a killer, not by choice, but by force. 

 You tell that to a young girl stuck in a sex trafficking ring handcuffed to a bed in a windowless room as men after men do what they want with her and soon she is thrown out or dies of aids.  It is so easy to turn a blind eye.  I do it day after day, maybe in a way it is how we all cope.  I see it day after day after day.  Unimaginable poverty, death, disease, needs that no one should have to bear.  People killing people, hatred running wild.  I sit and watch my little comedic movies on tv and eat what I want as I fall asleep on my nice bed in my air conditioned room, I may get upset because i have to get up early to go on a tour and the bus doesn't have enough leg room. 

I ran into two little girls selling flowers on the street.  They were so cute so innocent they reminded me of my sisters.  They reminded me that these little girls are humans.  They are probably being used and extorted, so i have the choice buy from them and keep them being extorted or not and they may not eat.  We talk to them for awhile they laugh and smile and take pictures with us, and act like any little girl would.  And my heart breaks for them.  So much pain surrounds us. 

 I feel like a pebble in the middle of a desert, dry and useless tossed around by every current of wind going by.  I maybe find a piece of something that seems to have purpose so I stick to it only to be tossed along again.  I need to find some water I tell my little pebble self, you see only through the water can a single pebble turn into something worth using.  You see when a pebble interacts with water and other pebbles that pebble can then turn into one of the many wonders of the world.  Mud.  Only when dry pebbles come together through the wonder of water can they complete the task at hand.  You can't build a mud hut with one pebble and you can't even do it with a bunch of pebbles they will all fall down, you need water to unite you. 

All year we have constantly been talking about the One.  It is not about changing the world.  It is about saving the one who will then in turn save the one and so on and so on and before you know it the world is saved.  Maybe it just takes a step back a step into the darkness a step into the eyes of a war ravished nation full of hurt and pain to realize that life is bigger than my dry little pebble self and its time to come together and be filled with the water and unite with my peers and change this world one mud hut at a time. 

Sometimes I get amazed with how stuff I write comes out. I think because sometimes I read it back and say what in the world does any of that even mean. Like the whole mud pebble cliche story, that sounds so wonderful in theory.  I really wish we could all change and unite and fix the problems, but Am I really changed probably not.  I mean sure I feel bad now, but tommorrow will come and the comforts of my life and my wants will more than likely over shadow the needs of others and the hurts that so often grip them.  I really wish I knew the answer to that riddle.  I wish just for a moment We really could come together, we really could change things.  Maybe I am being pessimistic, but it is hard when I am living in it.  I am living in this radical thing called the world race.  I am living in this thing that is suppose to change me and in turn change the world.  And sometimes I feel even more hardened then i was when I began.  Maybe it is seeing everything over and over again that makes me shut down.  I have the moments where I really believe we can make a difference and then I look at myself and realize I really don't care all that much.  So what is the answer.  Please do tell me what you think, because I am at a loss.  I have been roaming the world hoping to find the answers to fix the problems and all I think I really end up finding is more problems and less solutions.  And I think the worst part about all this is that I am not really that distressed about it.  I know all the hurts of the world I have seen it all and here I sit on a computer in my hotel in Vietnam as the city around me remains hurting and loss.  And so I wait, for answers to the complexities before me.

I cringed as the big metal doors slammed behind me.  The guard was silent as he led me down a dark hall to another set of doors.  The door was covered in locks.  I knew this was there to keep people inside and would by no means be an easy attempt at ever escaping. 

What had I done to get here?  I sure have made some stupid mistakes, but prison? I was not a hardened criminal I didn't belong here.  I kept telling myself, but reality was I was there and there was no turning back.  The door had been locked behind me and there was no getting out until I had served my time. 

Luckily I was only there on mininstry!!!

Monday I found myself along with Mark, Charlotte and our Translator.  We were at a drug rehabilitation prison that was quite an amazing estabalishment.  We where there to work alongside Charlotte who would be teaching an art class there.  Her students were working on oil paints and were painting a bowl of fruit. 

The prison itself was amazing.  It was only people that were involved in getting arrested for drugs and they wanted to offer them away to get clean and when released have things they were able to do.  So there were many different programs in the prison.  There was an education department and industrial departments.  They had agricultural departments.  One of the Ex-prisoners that went back with us another day told me when he was in there he had studied to be an electrician and a hair stylist as well as getting his high school degree and learning english.  It was beautifully landscaped with little ponds and rivers, flowers and banana trees.  We spent most of the time in the art department where people had done all different kinds of artwork from painting to clay to cement. 

I got the chance to share with two different groups.  The first group was made up of some Christians that were in the prison.  They had come to know the Lord through the Prison Choir Outreach.  This is another fascinating thing Christian Prison Ministry does.  They pull people from all the different prisons and give them the opportunity to be in a choir.  The choir actually does very big performances in the cultural center in Bangkok.  They are also heavily supported from the Government.  Also through this program they have seen a significant amount of people become Christians. 

There were four Christians and I shared with them about trusting in God and his provision.  I then got the opportunity to share with the art students who were not Christian.  I shared about my journey and searching in life.  And how I had found Jesus to be the answer to that searching.   It was an amazing opportunity to get to share the gospel with them.

The next day I went back to the prison with a team from Japan.  We had about 100 people come for our time.  The team sang songs and did a drama and shared testimonies.  It is amazing how well the people responded.  The team even evangelized the guard during lunch who was very open to the gospel.  It is amazing how free it is to preach in Thailand in the prisons.  I got to share with some english students on one of the other floors and meet them. 

The next day we went to a juvenile detention center.  Shawna from B Squad came along as well as Amanda Petersen an AIM staff member helping out the world race for a month.  We went with the Japanese team again who shared in front of about a 100 teenagers the dramas and songs and gospel.  We then broke off and were working with the Teenage prison choir that would be doing a concert on september 1st.  We helped them with some of their english pronunciations from one of their songs. 

It has been an amazing opportunity to be a part of this ministry even for only 3 days.  It is amazing how much God is moving through this ministry.  It was so fun to be able to go into the prisons and preach the gospel to non christians.  Please pray for this ministry as they are working in 66 out of 120 prisons throughout Thailand.  They are seeing huge harvests in many different prisons.  In one womens prison they have seen a church spring up of around 500 women.  It is really exciting. 

We have officially begun what will be forever known as Menistry week.  For two weeks 5 of the strongest most daring guys will convene upon Katchinaburi to do what men do.  It is Jimmy from 61 Eric and Jake from Agapatos and James and myself from Salt.  And we are all prepared to do Hard Manual Labor.  We are working with a new Ywam base.  Youth with a mission in case anyone was wondering.  It is run by a Thai couple.  Arun grew up in this village moved to bangkok where he did a Discipleship training school and met his wife Pang.  They then moved back to the village and began the ministry.

They now have a church of about 15 people and we are helping to work on some projects.  They are building some team houses.  They also have a goat farm with about 300 goats and sheep where we helped to deworm all of them.  Look forward to some amazing videos from our adventures.  It could change your life. 

Well all for now.

We are in Thailand!!!  We are getting ready to do some ministry here in the great kingdom of Thailand.  We are splitting up from the girls for the month here.  The girls are going to be working in the city of Bangkok doing some prostitute ministry and James and I are joining up with Jimmy, Jake and Eric Hansen to head out into the jungle to help with a church plant and construction projects. 

I am really excited about the upcoming months here in Asia.